Dear Stinky Young Man:
I'm sorry I didn't ask you if you had found everything you were looking for, but I was busy swallowing the vomit that had spurted, unbidden, into my mouth when I smelled you.
I notice you have a basket full of axe deodarant, bodywash, cologne, and more. If you are already using these on a daily basis, I suggest you stop. They are not helping. If you don't already use them, may I recommend that a plain shower with soap and perhaps shaving and brushing your teeth would improve your odour immeasurable. Rubbing shower gel into your clothes will not solve your problem.
Irregardless, given your smell and your gap-toothed smile, I hope that you don't believe the Axe ads. The girls will not be falling all over you. They'll just be falling down when they get a whiff of you.
Dear Mild Mannered Oldster:
Word of advice, man: when buying six pairs of fancy silk and lace bikini briefs and two pairs of fishnet thigh-highs, it would really help if you didn't mumble and you did look your cashier in the eye. Otherwise, well, she's left to believe that they definitely are for you. Throw a box of tampons or at least some chocolate in your basket. If not, your cashier has no choice but to size you up, determine that the underwear and hose are just your size and talk about you in the staffroom.
Dude, I'm cool with your little fetish but you gotta either let your freak flag fly or cover better, cause this ain't working for you.
Dear 12 Year Old Girls Everywhere:
You are too young to wear makeup and heels. DO YOU HEAR ME?! Go home and play with your Barbie dolls. I'm going to tell you what my great-aunt told me: that stuff will rot your face so you'll look like a worn out street-walker at 30.
Sound advice from my lovely aunt. She had a way with words. Please, put the makeup back. The toy section is at the back of the store.
Dear Mothers Everywhere:
Buying 2 bottles of soda, a large bag of chips, a multi-pack of chocolate bars, and 15 lunchables is not negated by your purchase of one 2L of milk and your two boxes of chocolate chip granola bars. I see your children have opened the immense candy packs you've given them in the store. Please let me scan them and let them enjoy them now - after all, they're going to be dead soon with the way you're feeding them.
Dear Customer Service Manager:
I do have a life. And my own shopping to do. Don't make me work 20 minutes past my schedule and then glare at me when I run off to get my shopping done before the store closes. And don't make me feel bad for asking for my employee discount even if it is only $4.00 on this purchase.- you know how much I get paid - that $4 adds up.
Most Embarassing Moment:
Mother, Father and 11 year old son bring their items to the cash. I try to locate tag on a pair of skinny dark jeans with acid splashes and fashion rips. Mother says "oh know, did the tag come off." I page fashion department. They don't answer. I send CSM to ladies department to find another pair to scan. She doesn't find them. I ask mother, "were there any others there." "Not in his size," she answers. I look at the drab 11 year old boy. I look at his roly-poly stomach (probably fueled by the pop, chips, and snack cakes they're buying). I try to picture him squeezing into these jeans. I try to picture him wearing these obviously female jeans. I can't.
"Oh. Are they from our costume department I ask"
Apparently they were not. They were boys department.
Hey kid, there's an old guy I'd like to introduce you to. He could be a real mentor to you.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Loose Pants and Loose Morals
Dear Teenage Boy:
When you wear your pants so loose that they threaten to fall on the ground unless you walk in a wide-gaited, stiff legged manner with your hands in your pockets feebly clutching them to your hips, then I see you walking that way and think that you are trying to shoplift something by shoving it down your pants.
Accompanying your friend, who is buying only deodarant, to the checkout and then doing a pee-pee dance as you stand there is just weird.
Please go home.
Dear Bitchy Lady
You came through the Express-10 items or less checkout with 26 items. Yes. I counted. I did not send you to a regular line. Instead I smiled and asked how your day was. Sneering and replying "Busy. Will this take much longer?" is not the way to win friends and influence people. I wish you had bought bread so I could have smushed it. Instead it appears you were buying party items. Get your party hat on and cheer the fuck up.
Next time I won't be so nice and your wait will be longer.
Dear Late-Night Customer:
Waiting until ten minutes after the store closing announcement to idle your way through the checkout is bad enough. But please, do not try to lighten the mood by mentioning how tired I look. I put your bread in the bottom of the bag.
You're welcome.
Dear RBC Bank:
Please do not send me a message saying money has been deposited into my account when it has not. It was a long walk home when I realised I couldn't pay the taxi driver.
Dear Neighbourhood Drunk:
I realise it is confusing to you, being so drunk, that the number for the ambulance and the number for the taxi are not one and the same. I know that social services pays for ambulance rides. However I don't believe it was their intention for you to use the ambulance service to ferry yourself and your falling-down drunk buddy from a party back to your place.
I snickered and imagined the two of you buggering each other as you told off the ambulance driver for not knowing where your house is. And then I pictured you waking up in the morning, still hungover, wondering why your ass was so sore and looking at your still comatose friend askance.
That cheered me up a little
Dear Phone Company:
Not everyone has cell phones. Believe it or not! You could actually still be in business if you weren't such assholes as to cut off the service to all the town's public phones. Three phones. Zero dial tones. Good job.
Most hilarious purchase of the evening: 3 large bags of chips, a box of popcorn, 4 2 litre bottles of soda, foaming hair mousse and the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen. Purchased by an attracitve but obviously middle-aged couple.
Swinger party? WTF are they going to do with the hair mousse?
Most depressing purchase of the evening: Mom of three, every item was a Nestle product. Except the mayo and nitrate filled sandwich meat. Apparently it's not enough to buy products made from child labour, she's also trying to kill her own kids with saturated fats and nitrates.
Have A Great Day!
When you wear your pants so loose that they threaten to fall on the ground unless you walk in a wide-gaited, stiff legged manner with your hands in your pockets feebly clutching them to your hips, then I see you walking that way and think that you are trying to shoplift something by shoving it down your pants.
Accompanying your friend, who is buying only deodarant, to the checkout and then doing a pee-pee dance as you stand there is just weird.
Please go home.
Dear Bitchy Lady
You came through the Express-10 items or less checkout with 26 items. Yes. I counted. I did not send you to a regular line. Instead I smiled and asked how your day was. Sneering and replying "Busy. Will this take much longer?" is not the way to win friends and influence people. I wish you had bought bread so I could have smushed it. Instead it appears you were buying party items. Get your party hat on and cheer the fuck up.
Next time I won't be so nice and your wait will be longer.
Dear Late-Night Customer:
Waiting until ten minutes after the store closing announcement to idle your way through the checkout is bad enough. But please, do not try to lighten the mood by mentioning how tired I look. I put your bread in the bottom of the bag.
You're welcome.
Dear RBC Bank:
Please do not send me a message saying money has been deposited into my account when it has not. It was a long walk home when I realised I couldn't pay the taxi driver.
Dear Neighbourhood Drunk:
I realise it is confusing to you, being so drunk, that the number for the ambulance and the number for the taxi are not one and the same. I know that social services pays for ambulance rides. However I don't believe it was their intention for you to use the ambulance service to ferry yourself and your falling-down drunk buddy from a party back to your place.
I snickered and imagined the two of you buggering each other as you told off the ambulance driver for not knowing where your house is. And then I pictured you waking up in the morning, still hungover, wondering why your ass was so sore and looking at your still comatose friend askance.
That cheered me up a little
Dear Phone Company:
Not everyone has cell phones. Believe it or not! You could actually still be in business if you weren't such assholes as to cut off the service to all the town's public phones. Three phones. Zero dial tones. Good job.
Most hilarious purchase of the evening: 3 large bags of chips, a box of popcorn, 4 2 litre bottles of soda, foaming hair mousse and the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen. Purchased by an attracitve but obviously middle-aged couple.
Swinger party? WTF are they going to do with the hair mousse?
Most depressing purchase of the evening: Mom of three, every item was a Nestle product. Except the mayo and nitrate filled sandwich meat. Apparently it's not enough to buy products made from child labour, she's also trying to kill her own kids with saturated fats and nitrates.
Have A Great Day!
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